Confessions of a Pregnant Mom

Posted on Dec 12, 2013 in Pregnancy Stole My Cool

Confessions of a Pregnant Mom 2

Friends, my posting here has been sporadic at best.  Sure, life has been busy.  My husband was deployed.  I have a lot on my plate.  Blogging takes a back seat.  Blah, blah, blah.

The real reason I haven’t been blogging frequently?  I’m pregnant.  And in case you’ve never been pregnant before, I’m here to tell you, it’s hard.  And get this, it’s way harder the second time around, when you already have a little Tasmanian Devil to chase after all day.

Don’t get me wrong – my husband and I are overjoyed about the soon-to-be addition to our family.  Babies!  Woohoo!  I love babies!

But I emphatically do not love pregnancy.  And I’m highly suspicious of women who say they do.  (You should be, too.  They’re probably liars.)  That first trimester – kill me.  The nausea, the fatigue, the general feeling of not wanting to do anything ever except hide under your covers all day and night.  Who’s with me?

During my first pregnancy, I had terrible nausea 24-7 for the entire first trimester.  Luckily, I worked from home, meaning I could stay in my PJs until whatever hour I wanted, and then whenever I felt like I was absolutely going to die, I could just crawl to the couch and lie there eating Saltines to my heart’s (and stomach’s) content.

This time around, the nausea was not as terrible, nor did it last as long.  Thank the good Lord!  But the exhaustion was so much worse.  And it’s Elisabeth’s fault.  I mean, I love her to death, but she is so freakin’ demanding.  Can you believe she still expected me to get up at 6:00 AM with her!? During the 1st trimester!?  Criminal, I say!

All this to say, I was basically in a semi-conscious state for the past three months, and did not possess the energy to even type a simple blog.  I also reached new lows of motherhood.  Like, “Call CPS, This Woman is Unfit to Parent” lows.  I should probably keep this to myself, but what fun what that be? So here you have it, my confessions of a (first trimester) pregnant mom:

1) I may have fallen asleep while watching my child during one of those ungodly early mornings.  And while I may have been sleeping, she may have gotten into the pantry which I may have forgotten to close the night before.  And she may have pulled out the entire contents of the bottom two shelves – including a box of toothpicks – and dumped them all over the kitchen floor.  She may have proceeded to snack from a box of Triscuits at 6:30AM, because I did not have the energy or awareness to stop her.  She then may have found her slumbering mother on the couch, and dumped an entire container of puffs onto said couch in an effort to wake me.  (Why did we even still have puffs???  When was the last time I cleaned out my pantry?!)  And then, stumbling into the kitchen to survey the damage, I may have stepped on an upturned toothpick.  Um… ouch.  There is a lesson here: No matter how much the first trimester sucks, don’t fall asleep while your child is awake and on the loose.  That’s what CPS calls negligent.

The puff-covered couch.  I was finding those little buggers for days.

The puff-covered couch. I was finding those little buggers for days.

 

A glimpse of my kitchen floor. Luckily only I stepped on an upturned toothpick, and not Elisabeth.  Then I would have felt really guilty.

A glimpse of my kitchen floor.  Not only are toothpicks painful when stepped on, they are terribly difficult to pick up.

2) The iPad parented more than I did.  Seriously, I hate myself for this one, but that damn device is a savior when you’re too sick to function.  “Honey, I’m sorry I can’t take you to the park.  That would require me to move.  But here, watch Elmo for a bit…”

3) Speaking of Elmo, that little red monster came in super handy when I needed to gorge myself on junk food without Elisabeth noticing.  Yup, I definitely used Sesame Street to distract the kiddo while I secretly scarfed down frozen pizza in the kitchen.  Shameful, I know.

4) I did recognize that I couldn’t subsist on frozen pizzas alone.  One night I made myself a nice green salad and a “pita pizza” for Elisabeth.  For the first time in her two years, Elisabeth showed an interest in lettuce and insisted on eating my salad.  All of it.  Until I finally took the salad away from her.  “No more salad until you eat your pizza!” I exclaimed.  What mother says that?  Oh, a pregnant mother.  Do not get in the way of a pregnant woman and her food – even if it’s just a salad.

5) I put my child in daycare to take a nap.  Oh goodness – I hear the collective groan of women everywhere.  The Working Moms: “I knew it!”  The Stay-At-Home Moms: “You’re giving us a bad name!”  Whatever.  As a Pregnant Mom, I say: “So worth it!”  No, really.  I made it a habit to nap every day when Elisabeth napped.  It was really the only way I make it to the end of the day.  (I’m going to go ahead and play the Deployed Spouse card.  With my husband gone and a toddler to take care of by myself, those were reallllllly long days…  Mad props to the women who do it with 2, 3, 4 kids!)  Anyway, on those days when I had a conflict during Elisabeth’s nap time (meetings, English students, etc.), I would go ahead and extend her time in childcare by an hour or two to make sure I could get a little midday shut-eye.  That way, we avoided anymore toothpick incidents.  It was the responsible thing to do, really.

There are plenty more examples of how parenting while pregnant is dreadful – if not downright dangerous – but this is enough for now.  Actually, if I’m being honest (and clearly I’m being honest), I can’t remember much else.  I’m currently experiencing the unfortunate combination of Mommy Brain AND Pregnancy Brain, which is akin to having a lobotomy.  So forgive my forgetfulness.  And my parental neglect.  And my recent lack of blogging.

But hey – I’m now in my second trimester, and Damon is home, and even with the holidays upon, life has calmed down a bit.  Now that I’m no longer sleeping through life, I’m sort of back to being my semi-functioning self; Once I wean Elisabeth from the iPad and get her back to eating greens and generally redeem myself as a parent, I expect to be blogging much more regularly.  In the meantime, who would like to share their parenting-while-pregnant confessions?  Go ahead and leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you!

And if you haven’t already, please like my Facebook page to stay up-to-date with these posts.  Thanks, guys – I appreciate the support!

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Night Stalker 2.0

Posted on Nov 27, 2013 in My Kid Stole My Cool

I recently wrote about the war raging between my toddler and me.  Guess what?  It’s still going on, and I’m still losing.  Bedtime has become the worst battle. I should cut Elisabeth some slack.  We travel a lot.  One day her dad is home.  Another day he is gone, and doesn’t come back for a long time.  It’s a lot of change for a small person, and she handles it pretty well.  Except at night.  I don’t know if she thinks that if I leave her at bedtime, I won’t be there in the morning, or if she just likes to terrorize me (I think it’s the latter), but the child will not go to bed. She launched her bedtime campaign small, insisting I sit in the rocking chair while she fell asleep.  That’s not a big deal.  That’s why they made a Solitaire iPhone app, right?  But gradually she began taking longer and longer to fall asleep.  Every time I tried to sneak out of the room, the rocking chair would give me away with a telltale creak.  Every time Elisabeth would wake. “Mama?” she’d asked, making sure I was still present. Followed by, “Mama sit down!”  Every. Single. Time.   And also, when did she become so bossy? I started to employ a new strategy.  Every time she caught me leaving, I would say, “I’ll be right back.  Mama’s just going potty.”  Elisabeth respected that.  If a girl has got to pee, a girl has got to pee.  Did I feel bad lying to my child?  Eh.  I figure on the scale of parental lies, this one ranks pretty low.  Plus, I always do come back eventually to check on her. Anyway, the potty excuse worked for awhile.  I would slip out of her bedroom under feigning incontinence, and she would fall asleep.  But then she caught on.  “Mama!  Sit down!  Mama.  Mammmmma!” She would moan until I resumed my rightful place in the rocking chair, playing Solitaire until my hand cramped. And just so I wouldn’t forget my place, she became quite particular regarding the placement of...

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Just Say No

Posted on Nov 19, 2013 in Pinterest Stole My Cool

Just Say No 2

After Elisabeth’s incredibly anticlimactic 1st Halloween last year, I know you’re all dying to know how I handled the holiday this year.  Even three weeks after the fact. So here you go: I didn’t. I just said “No”.  I said “No” to Halloween.  I said “No” to the Pinterest and Etsy-inspired expectations.  I said “No” to the frilly tutus and over-the-top costumes which require a professional seamstress to craft.  I said “No” to dressing my child up as a character whom she wouldn’t even recognize, because she doesn’t watch any TV except Elmo.  And I said “No” to Elmo, because, well, a neighborhood kid was already going as Elmo and I didn’t want Elisabeth to steal his thunder.  Plus, I hate Elmo.  That voice.  It’s the worst. Anyway, I almost didn’t say “No.”  I spent a couple of wasted hours searching online for the perfect costume, which let me tell you, doesn’t exist.  After marveling at how expensive and grossly tasteless most TODDLER costumes were , I said, “To Hell with this overblown holiday!” I then went to pbkids.com, where I at least knew the quality of the costume would be semi-decent, found the cheapest option on sale, and purchased.  Bonus?  It was gender-neutral!  Should I ever have a boy, guess what he’s going to be?  A pumpkin! Yup, I bought Elisabeth a freaking pumpkin costume.  Quite possibly the most boring, predictable Halloween costume available.  Such was my rejection of Halloween’s unspoken costume competitiveness (who will have the most creative costume? the cutest kid? the most original outfit?), I dressed my daughter as one of its principal symbols.  I suppose I could have dressed her as a black cat, and that would have been equally cliché.  Maybe next year. My newfound freedom from the reigns of our Pinterest-obsessed mom world felt goooood.  I definitely spared myself a few gray hairs by not worrying about something as trivial as a Halloween costume.  Because guess what?  The costume choice mattered not at all to Elisabeth.  She would have screamed her head off no matter what costume I dressed her in. Ah,...

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My Kid Stole My Cool

Posted on Nov 14, 2013 in My Kid Stole My Cool

My Kid Stole My Cool 5

Welcome to my new blog!  It took a little longer than I expected, but it’s ready now, and I hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who sent in blog name suggestions.  I got a lot of good suggestions, and several that gave me a good laugh.  I appreciate it!  Turns out though, that I came up with the name on my own.  Who would have thought it possible? Now, about the new blog.  Before anyone that knows me calls me out, I was never “cool”.  Hardly.  But on the scale of Coolness, I definitely ranked higher pre-kid than I do post-kid.  Can any other moms relate? -The sleep deprivation that turns you into a character out of The Walking Dead?  Not cool.  (I’ve never actually seen the show, but I imagine new moms are even more terrifying than flesh-eating zombies.) -The yoga pants that become acceptable day-wear?  Not cool.  But hey, they’re the only thing that fits. -The jumbo diaper bag that’s replaced all your chic handbags?  Not cool.  Even if it’s designer, it’s still a diaper bag. -The spit-up in your hair?  Not cool.  Oh, and when was the last time you washed your hair?  You can’t remember?  Me either. -The wasted hours spent browsing Pinterest in the quest to become the perfect mom?  Non cool. -The peanut butter smeared all over your clothes? And everything else?  Not cool. -The minivan? *Shudder*  So very not cool. Much of this blog is about how my expectations of motherhood were stupendously off.  I thought I could retain – if not my coolness – my pre-mom attitudes and appearances.  That I would effortlessly transition from a fun, fashion and fitness-loving, jet-setting childless woman into a fun, fashion and fitness-loving, jet-setting mom.  And while I strive to maintain my former sense of self as a mom, it certainly manifests itself in different ways.   In my personal favorite post, The Christian Bale Scale, I wrote: “I always thought I’d be that mom that everyone hates because she always looks put-together: cute outfit, coiffed hair, bright-eyed.  But no.  Sadly I’m the hater,...

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When Touring Goes Wrong

Posted on Oct 24, 2013 in Travel Traumas

When Touring Goes Wrong 0

Let me tell you about my trip to the Cupnoodles Museum today.  It did not go as planned. My mom is visiting again.  This is her third trip to Japan, and in trying to come up with new things for us to do, I came across this: Foreign Visitors Pick the 20 Coolest Places in Japan.  This list reminded me of the Cupnoodles Museum in Yokohama, something I’ve been meaning to check out while living here.  An entire museum devoted to instant ramen?  Obviously a must-see.  Do you know that you can even create your own cup of noodles?  From an amazing 5000 flavor combinations?  Mind. Blown. This was just the kind of fun, quirky Japanese thing to do while my mom is in town. Today was a dreary day.  Overcast, and drizzling by the time we reached Yokohama.  That time, by the way, was around 11:30.  Elisabeth’s lunch time, and getting to be mine.  We made the short walk from the train station to the museum, and my mom handled the ticket purchasing.  We were assigned a time slot to visit the interactive noodle-making factory.  11:30-11:50.  In other words, right then.  No problem, we were all hungry, and what better way to warm up than with a hot cup of ramen? We made our way up to the noodle-making floor, and were handed more tickets.  Then we were directed to vending machines.  Ostensibly, we were supposed to purchase the noodle cups from the vending machines.  This required more money, and as we had already purchased six tickets for who-knows-what, I asked for help from the nearest employee.  Asking for help meant handing him my fistful of tickets and giving him my best confused face.  He magically produced three square bowls (as opposed to the round cups found in the vending machine.) Ohhh, had we unknowingly purchased some fancy cup of noodles?  Perhaps a special edition noodle cup?  Had we won a prize?  I didn’t know, but I did know that I wasn’t about to find out, so I just took the cups and moved on to the drawing...

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Everything I Said I’d Never Do

Posted on Oct 6, 2013 in My Kid Stole My Cool

Everything I Said I’d Never Do 3

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I’ve neglected this blog these past couple of weeks. I have no excuse, except that I’m crazy tired.  Every day I wage war against a stubborn almost-two year old, and every day I lose.  It’s exhausting. Eating breakfast.  Getting dressed.  Getting into the car seat.  Eating Lunch.  Napping.  Playtime.  Cleaning up.  Eating dinner.  Getting out of the bath.  Brushing teeth.  Night-Night time.  All battles.  Sometimes I think Elisabeth is literally trying to kill me.  That one time that she took the napkin to wipe my face, just like she did hers?  Sure, it seemed cute at first.  But then I realized that she might actually be trying to smother me.  Or that time she “dropped” her sippy cup on my head as I was cleaning up the floor beneath her high chair?  I’m pretty sure she was trying to take me out. In an effort to maintain any iota of sanity, I’ve turned into that mom.  The mom I swore I’d never be.  The mom who turns on Sesame Street so I can cook dinner in peace.  (Although “peace” now means Elmo and the gang singing loudly in the next room.)  The mom who shoves an iPad in her daughter’s hands to keep her quiet on a train.  (To be fair – have you been on a Japanese train?  They are silent.  Fidgety, crying toddler on Japanese train = super awkward.  You’d totally use the iPad too.)  The mom who bribes her child with cheese sticks or gives her the pacifier THAT’S ONLY ALLOWED IN THE CRIB so I can finish the last 10 minutes of a run without a tantrum. I was going to have a strictly non-electronic household for baby, until at least two years old.  I was going to feed my child exclusively healthy snacks, on an appropriate meal schedule.  I was going to have her weaned from the pacifier by 18 months.  She was going to be the child that thrived on my routine and rules, and should the occasional tantrum occur, I would not give in.  I am the boss,...

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