How to Torture Your Husband: Part I

Posted on Aug 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

Take him baby shopping.  Not shopping for babies – that would be creepy and illegal.  Rather, shopping for baby gear.  No, actually, take him baby gear shopping two hours away from where you live by insisting the superstores like Babies R Us will have a “better selection”.  Yeah, I did that.  But really, I just wanted to go to Pottery Barn Kids and the closest one is in Richmond. What self-respecting man is going to agree to drive two hours just to ogle at cute baby bedding at PBK if not for another, legitimate reason.  Like, “The Babies R Us near us had no good car seats, I swear!  If we want our baby to be safe, we need to go to Richmond where I’m positive they will have a much better selection.  You want our baby to be safe, don’t you?”

Baby stores should produce “oohs” and “ahhs” and “ohmygoshlookhowtinyittis!” from shoppers.  Merchandise that tiny is always precious.  (Exception: pet stores.  The tiny animals sold in pet stores are decidedly not precious).  Enter Babies R Us – somehow one of the most depressing stores you can set foot in.  I’d rather be repeatedly impaled by a long, sharp object than suffer anymore prolonged exposure to Babies R Us.  Oh, and mark my words, your time spent there will prolonged, every moment slowly chipping away at your soul.

Why are there 12,758 strollers?!  And you have to test Every. Single. One.  Wouldn’t want baby to have an inferior stroller without a 17-point harness or wheels intended for an SVU or an attachable play tray! It could be disastrous.  And mustn’t forget the attachable cup holder so mom can tote along her “water” bottle.

And car seats.  Honestly.  Is it impossible for a manufacturer to design a safe, highly-rated car seat that doesn’t make your eyes bleed?  What’s with all the garish colors and patterns?  I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure baby doesn’t care if she’s sitting in a car seat decorated with purple giraffes.  Baby doesn’t care, but I do.  Let’s get some neutrals, people!  My home is already going to look like Barney exploded in it; my car doesn’t need to.

Add to this inexplicably expensive nursery furniture, endless stacks of diapers (Organic? Extra dry? All Natural? Chlorine-Free?), and an incompetent staff, and you have set yourself up for a complete retail-related breakdown.

After two hours – most of that time spent fighting with the below stroller – we left defeated, minds numbed and souls crushed.   In those two hours we bought and registered for nothing.  Not in small part because I realized I had brought an outdated version of Baby Bargains, from which I was basing all my baby-related retail knowledge.  All my prior research was irrelevant.  I had no updated info on recalls! New models! Customer feedback!  We would have to start from scratch.

Damon, struggling in vain to unfold a stroller.

Unfortunately, this shopping day disaster didn’t end there.  To Be Continued at Pottery Barn Kids.

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Let Me Introduce Myself

Posted on Aug 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

Hello, Folks! First off, I’d like to say that this blog would totally be titled “Pregnant in Heels” if it weren’t for that silly Bravo show.  Stupid copyright laws. If you’re reading this first post, you probably already know me.  Thus, you already know that I am a total Type-A, perfectionist freak.  If you’ve stumbled upon this by accident and don’t know me, let me introduce myself: I am a total Type-A, perfectionist freak.  I’m also 27 weeks pregnant, as of today.  Let’s just say pregnancy has enhanced my more neurotic tendencies. I’m the type who goes to yoga religiously because I know it’s good for me, but makes to-do lists in my head during shavasana. (At my first pre-natal yoga class, I had a mild panic attack when the instructor announced we would be having 20 minutes of “relaxation” time.  Seriously.  20 Minutes!)  I’ve been known to abandon completely full shopping carts after realizing the items I’ve selected don’t coordinate perfectly.  (My deepest apologies to the Bed, Bath & Beyond staff.)  I spend an unhealthy amount of hours researching things like cribs only to suffer extreme anxiety over my final decision.  Jury’s out on whether or not I’ll actually keep the one I just ordered. To be fair, these things aren’t that abnormal.  I don’t think.  But as some major changes come down the pipeline, I figured a blog might be a good outlet.  Even though, let’s be honest, most blogs are a totally narcissistic undertaking.  Now – what be those changes, you ask? 1) Baby on Board.  Duh. 2) I’m entering the world of Professional Housewives (temporarily).  Considering my cooking skills are nil and I abhor most household-related tasks, this does not bode well for my sanity. 3) My hubby and I (and baby-to-be) are moving to Japan next year.  Sure, that’s not for another 10 months or so, but knowing that we’re moving across the world in less than a year has already begun affecting our daily lives. On another note, my major life interests include: Fashion, food (a very unfortunate interest, considering my aforementioned lack...

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