Folks, I need your help. This is serious. I am now 31 weeks along – for the math-challenged, that means I have a short nine weeks before Baby makes her appearance in this world – and my husband and I are completely unable to agree upon her name. Why not? The below conversation represents a typical exchange on the topic of names:
I throw out a cute, slightly sassy, but not over-the-top ridiculous name.
Me: Why not?
Me: “Veto” does not answer my question.
Damon: I do not recognize that as a name.
Me: You do not recognize it as a name? What does that even mean?
Damon: I’ve never heard of it.
Me, scornfully: Just because you’ve never heard of it doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate name!
Damon: Oh yes it does.
Me: Oh No it does not. Why should our child be punished with a boring name because you lack any sense of sophistication or creativity?
Damon, skeptically: Really, Diana?
I stare at my stubborn husband, boiling with rage.
Damon: No. It’s a professional athlete’s nickname. We’re having a girl.
Me: AHA! You have heard of it!
Damon: But it’s a dude’s name!
Me: I beg to differ. I know of at least three actresses with that name. All. Women. I’ve never heard of this so-called athlete.
Me, voice an unusually high pitch: You are so close-minded! Ican’teventalktoyouanymore!
Meanwhile Damon’s name choices seem to have been inspired solely by 90s sitcoms. Until he suggests something, like, say, Esmeralda.*
Me: You’re joking, right?
Me: Please tell me you are kidding.
Damon: What!? I like the name.
Me: Oh my gosh no you don’t.
Damon, exasperated: What!? I like it. I do.
Me: I don’t believe you. There is no way.
Damon remains silent, unable to comprehend his uncomprehending wife.
Me: OMG. We are not having this conversation. I did not marry a man who would seriously suggest Esmeralda* as a name worthy of our daughter.
Damon: You are so close-minded! I can’t talk to you anymore.
See friends, we are stuck in a very, very bad place. If you don’t help us, we will never escape this name Purgatory and our daughter will wander through life anonymous, suffering an everlasting identity crisis.
My baby name book is completely useless; it lost all legitimacy when it listed “Diana” as a form of “Diane”, the goddess of the moon and the hunt. (Yes, I looked up my own name. As if you wouldn’t do the same thing!) Excuse me, but since when is “Diane” the goddess? It’s Diana! Anyone with even the slightest knowledge of classical mythology should recognize that. A book claiming to be the “complete book of baby names” and dedicated to “richer definitions” most certainly should. After discovering this inexcusable inaccuracy, I could no longer trust The Book. So I am turning to you instead.
Of course I am not going to solely entrust my daughter’s name-fate to the blogosphere – that would just be insane. But I welcome your inspired suggestions. Feel free to post your favorite names in the comment section, and perhaps you will stoke the creative fires Damon and I need to make this all-important decision. Should you provide the name we choose, you will win… my undying gratitude. And the satisfaction of knowing you quite possibly saved my marriage.
I do have some parameters:
(1) No inanimate objects.
(2) No names beginning with “D”. I just can’t be part of an all-alliterative family. Damon & Diana is bad enough.
(3) In case there are any crazies out there reading this, I’m not going to reveal my last name. However, I will say that it is… unique. The wrong name could destine my daughter to a lifetime of exotic dancing. And we don’t want that now, do we?
Now go forth and name.
*Esmeralda was not an actual name used in any conversations regarding our daughter.Read More