My Kid Stole My Cool

The Waiting Game

Posted on Nov 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

Ever come across those women who claim they just looove being pregnant? That it makes them feel empowered and sexy and strong? (If you haven’t, try your local yoga studio or Whole Foods grocery store.)

I’m calling their bluff.

Today is my due date, and Lord help me, I can’t get this baby out of me fast enough. I am so over this whole pregnancy thing. Unfortunately, I don’t think labor and delivery are on my baby’s agenda today. We’re going to have to have a little chat about the importance of punctuality once she arrives, because this whole late thing just doesn’t fly with me.

I know, I know. The Due Date is fairly arbitrary, just the 40-week mark when the baby could healthily arrive anywhere between 38-42 weeks. (42 weeks? Kill me now.) How many times was I warned not to attach myself to this day, to simply use it as an approximation? That besides, first babies are almost always late? When people used to ask about my due date, I would casually respond, “Mid-November”, proving myself uncommitted to any specific day. I knew better than that. But in reality, November 17th was emblazoned in my mind.

How could it not be? But for me, November 17th didn’t represent the day my baby would be born. Rather, it represented the day that my baby would absolutely have already been born by. Once I learned 37 weeks was considered full term, it was game on. This is my kid after all. Naturally she’d be a Type-A overachiever and show up early! And if she hadn’t inherited those genes yet, then by gosh, I was going to will her out of me before that due date. Being late was not an option.

I’m sure experienced parents are laughing at me right now. My mother has reminded me several times that my brother was 11 days late. My yoga instructor had the same story – 11 days with one of her sons. My aunt was 3 weeks late! Someone very cruelly just informed me that some women have been up to 5 weeks late! (Thankfully, the hospital will schedule an induction during the 41st week if need be, though that still feels like an eternity away.)

Baby may not be exhibiting my proclivity for promptness, but she is displaying one of my other defining characteristics: Stubbornness. No matter how desperate I am for her to not be in my belly anymore, she isn’t giving any signs that she is ready to leave. So for the time being, I wait. And I blog.

If I’m still here tomorrow (as opposed to the labor and delivery unit at my hospital) – and I have a feeling I will be – I will share with you the most depressing doctor’s appointment ever. I bet you can’t wait!

Did You Really Just Say That? Part II

Posted on Nov 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

A few days ago, I hope you got a laugh – at my expense – reading about the embarrassingly inappropriate comments people have made to me during my pregnancy. Just to clarify, I’m not actually offended by any of these because that would mean I’m totally humorless. And in reality, I have gained in the lower range of what healthy – around 25 pounds – and I think I’ve held up pretty well for (now) 39 + weeks pregnant. Yup 39 and 3 days – There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Mainly I am amused at the willingness of people to be so frank to women in such delicate emotional states. But in my case, I wasn’t just subjected to puffy preggo lady comments. Oh no, I also got interrogated for being what some considered too small. As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t show until fairly late in my pregnancy, and even when I was “showing”, I didn’t really “pop” till even later. When people would inquire as to how far along I was, after telling them, they would routinely respond, in a high, squeaky pitch, with, “What!? You’re how far along? Where’s the baby!?” OK, so points to you for not pointing out my bubble butt, but this is really not much better. Instead of sending me to the nearest pint of ice cream (because if I already have thunder thighs, what’s another pint?), this sends me into a spiral of shame and self-doubt: Ohmygosh where is my baby? Is she okay? Why hasn’t my belly popped? What if she’s not getting enough nutrients! What if she’s not growing! What if she’s all smooshed in my stomach! She can’t be comfortable if she’s all smooshed! See – that kind of thinking is just not productive. Then there are the people who straight-up don’t believe me. Please see below. I would like to point out that this encounter was with a man, in case you couldn’t tell just by reading it. Nurse/Doctor/Whomever it was that administered my flu shot (Man) Man, prepping the flu shot:...

Did You Really Just Say That? Part I

Posted on Nov 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

As I more and more resemble a house, and my husband more and more makes comments about me resembling a house, I’ve begun reflecting on the statements people – not just any people, but complete strangers – have made to me regarding my weight and appearance throughout my pregnancy. For some reason, pregnancy seems an excuse to disregard all normal social boundaries regarding a woman’s weight. You would (hopefully) never volunteer that my face looks puffy if I weren’t pregnant, but for some reason now that I’m preggers, it’s okay to point out my cankles. What gives? You realize I’m a hormonal mess, right? I’ve already written about Alan Simpson calling attention to my wide hips, but here are a few of my favorite “Did you really just say that?” moments over the past several months. CASHIERS AT GAS STATION IN NORTH CAROLINA Damon and I were driving home from a long weekend in Charleston when we stopped somewhere in North Carolina to get gas. I went inside to pay, and as I was waiting for our total to ring up, I heard the cashier ask, “How far along are you?” I glanced around me looking for the pregnant woman the cashier was speaking to. I quickly realized – much to my horror – she was talking to me! OMG – She can tell I’m pregnant?! I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the french toast AND the cinnamon bun this morning!* I wasn’t obviously pregnant until fairly far along, and until this point, no stranger had been bold enough to assume I was. This turning point in my pregnancy caught me completely off-guard. “Oh, um…” I stuttered, trying to remember that I was indeed pregnant and this question was not an insult in any way, “I’m almost 28 weeks.” “Laaaaaawd, you tiny!” a second cashier exclaimed. Why thank you, I work out, I thought smugly. “Yes,” the first cashier piped up, “You’ve gained all your weight in your face and legs.” Say what? Just what every woman wants to hear – the place where I’m supposed to be...

Pregnancy: Proof of God’s Existence?

Posted on Nov 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

This is not a “children are little miracles” post. Sure, fine, whatever, that’s true, but that is not where I’m going with this. Where then am I going with this? To Eve. You know – Eve who ate the forbidden fruit? And what happened when she ate that forbidden fruit? God punished her! “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.” While God doesn’t specifically mention the 40 weeks of pregnancy, I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s included in the “pain in childbearing” part. This may not be the most theologically sound argument you’ve ever encountered, but think about it. How many crazy ways have humans adapted and evolved over time? A lot. I’m no scientist (as well as being no theologian), but the human body and mind seemed to have – and continue to – transform in response to new circumstances, environments, etc. All, non-scientists would assume, in order to make living/survival/whatever a little easier, a little less painful. But not pregnancy. Nope. Still 40 endless weeks of discomfort and restrictions. Childbirth? Still excruciatingly painful (so I’ve been told). Okay, we do have modern medicine to assist with the pain should one so choose (as I most definitely will). But drugs or no drugs, your body still has to go through some pretty serious stress – not to mention the recovery – in order to give birth. How is it that our bodies have not found a better way than this by now!?!? I’ll tell you why – Because God intended His sentence to stick. And oh how it has. If you can’t tell, I am thisclose to being DONE with this pregnancy, and each day seems agonizingly long. I have some very strong negative feelings directed toward that fruit-eating rebel right about now. Color me bitter. Share...

Identity Crisis

Posted on Nov 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

Yesterday I was whipping up a batch of homemade chocolate-chip cookies (that I did not screw up, thankyouverymuch), when my dad called me. He usually asks me what I’m doing, so I prepped my response, even though the question never came. But my would-be answer shocked me to my core. What was I doing, exactly? Baking. For a mom’s group. Where there would likely be crafting. OMG Who am I!? What have I turned into? Obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the aforementioned things. But I honestly did not expect that life would take me to a crafting table so soon. Or ever. We already know that’s not my thing. With this revelation I just about dropped my KitchenAid to log onto Gilt and buy some fabulous pair of shoes, if only to assert that some part of my former urban-dwelling, fashion-loving, non-crafting self still exists. But breaking such a fabulous appliance would really have been a shame… Perhaps it is time to accept that my destiny may include a level of domesticity I am currently unprepared for. Maybe it’s time to embrace the crafts, the cooking, the conversations revolving around teething and tantrums. But I’ll be damned if I don’t still accessorize well while doing so. Share...

Fitness Freak!

Posted on Nov 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

I haven’t been feeling so hot today, and reluctantly decided to skip my daily workout. So instead of actually exercising, I decided I would write about exercising while consuming massive amounts of leftover Halloween candy. I have always been a bit of a fitness freak. When I found out I was pregnant, I assumed I would have to drastically change my normal – sometimes intense – workout routines which had up to then included long distance running, kickboxing and body combat classes, bikram and power yoga, etc. Knowing I would never be that annoying pregnant lady who gains zero body fat and has only the teensiest of bumps (you know who I’m talking about), I still was not going to resign myself to ballooning to unhealthy proportions. Thus I turned to Amazon to scout out the best pregnancy workout DVDs. I may have gone a tad overboard. Unable to decide between the plethora of pregnancy exercise DVDs, I just bought them all. Well not all, but five. Considering I didn’t have to stop running and could still weight lift and do pilates and some milder yoga, in retrospect five DVDs was a bit excessive. So for any of you preggos out there who might be interested in what – if any – DVDs might be worth investing in for your nine months, here are my reviews. Or perhaps you’d just like to know my opinion anyway. But please note I am not a doctor or fitness professional, so take my advice at face value. Lindsay Brin’s Second Trimester DVD. Lindsay, Sweetie, I’m pregnant, not dead! I couldn’t even finish this workout I was so bored. This workout included single sets of light weight lifting and cheesy aerobics that I felt silly doing even in the privacy of my own home. Perhaps if you’ve never worked out before and are just trying to stay active while pregnant, this might work for you. But if you are at all an experienced exerciser, skip it. Pilates During Pregnancy, Volume 1 If you enjoy pilates but can’t find a studio or instructor that...