How to Headbutt (According to a Toddler)

How to Headbutt (According to a Toddler)

James here.

It’s been awhile since I’ve made an appearance on this blog, but I’ve been working on my headbutts lately and I think I’ve really perfected my technique. I’m here now because I want to share my skills with you. It just doesn’t feel right to keep this knowledge from my other toddler friends looking to fight the man. Or the mom.

You know when your mom is all up in your face, trying to snuggle and smother you with kisses and you’re just like, “WOMAN, I NEED MY SPACE!” but you can’t quite talk yet? (I like my snuggles when I like my snuggles, okay?. Usually around 2:30 AM. Get over it.) Or maybe you’re happily coloring on the walls, expressing yourself, and your mom tries to take away your Sharpies. Or, like, you’re scaling up bookshelves and your mom decides she needs to remove you. I know you have so many things you want to say to her that you just can’t. Well, the headbutt is the perfect form of nonverbal communication to get your point across.  And there are so many ways to do it! These are my top three favorite. I hope you find them useful.

1) The Head-to-Head Headbutt: This is the classic headbutt. Simple, but powerful. Say your mom is all up in your grill – and you are NOT having that – this is the fastest way to get her to back off. First, as she nuzzles up in your face flash her your cutest smile. That way she won’t know what’s coming. You want the element of surprise here. Then quickly – speed is key – arch your neck back and WA-BAM! Connect your forehead to hers in one swift movement. The best part of this headbutt is that it will totally stun her, but won’t hurt you a bit. I can’t explain why. Just God’s gift to toddlers, I suppose.

2) The Backwards-Butt: This one is a little more tricky, because you’re usually attacking from a defensive position. Like if your mom tries to get you out of the bath BEFORE YOU’VE HAD A CHANCE TO PEE IN IT. The nerve of these parents, I swear. Anyway. Say she’s got her arms wrapped around your torso, trying to forcibly remove you from the bath (along with all the joy in your life) and you’re wriggling and writhing to get out of her grip – stop. Just stop. You’re fighting a losing battle, kid. Instead, calm yourself, relax your body. Your mom will think she’s won. Then snap your neck back, connecting the back of your head with your aggressor’s mouth. This one’s a doozy. If you hit with just the right amount of force, there might be some blood. Or maybe even a loose tooth! One can hope!

I look harmless, but I will (upper) cut you!

I look harmless, but I will (upper) cut you!

3) The Uppercut-Butt: This is my personal favorite, but use sparingly as this may cause long-term damage. Ultimately, your mom still has to feed you and stuff, so you don’t want to inflict too much pain. Say your mom is coming at you from above to pick you up to put you to bed, or something equally offensive. You’re always going to be at a disadvantage here because of your height deficiency, so you have to play to your strengths. Like jumping. Toddlers got mad jumping game, amiright? On beds or couches, off of counters (or any high surface), into ball pits, whatever – we know how to jump. So when your mom crouches down to lift you into your arms, LEAP, BROTHER! LEAP AT HER! Now is not the time to play it safe. YOU MIGHT END UP IN BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR. Use all your might and propel yourself up, so that BOOM! The top of your head connects with your mom’s chin. Be aware of your surroundings, because if your mother had already grabbed onto you, she will likely drop you. No matter. Ain’t no one going to bed now, sucka!

A personal anecdote: I used this one last week, and the force from my hit traveled from my mom’s chin to her left jaw. She started squawking about some surgery she had years ago and the screws holding her jaw together and how if she needs reconstructive surgery to fix anything it’s coming out of MY college tuition. If you ask me, it was all a tad dramatic. I mean, she was able to chew again a mere 12 hours later. And there wasn’t even visible bruising. Sheesh.  I’m just telling you this as a warning – if you have a drama mama, tread carefully. You might be better off with the classic headbutt.

Cheers!

James

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