Hello! I’m back! (For today at least.)
Why the blogging hiatus? I had a baby. And get this – newborns are tiring. My newborn pretty much eats all the time, and when he’s not eating, I have a toddler that I need to pay attention to so she remembers that I love her, too. Anyway, here’s the cutie at 5 days old:
And of course, with his adoring sister:
Now, I know a lot of pregnant women right now. Seriously, a lot. This blog post is for them. I want to offer my personal experience as a guide for what not to do when you’re pregnant. Particularly at the very end of your pregnancy. Say, the day before your due date. Pretend you are due on a Thursday. This guide begins Wednesday morning. Read and learn and watch your step.
1) Wednesday morning: Roll your ankle and fall – hard – on your butt while you’re carrying your 34-lb toddler.
2) Wednesday afternoon: Go to the hospital for an ultrasound and fetal monitoring. (Note: Besides a throbbing ankle, I felt totally fine. I wasn’t even going to call my doctor and tell her about the fall, but then I got scared she would scold me the next day at my 40-week check up for not calling. Just be aware, if you are super pregnant and you fall down, they will always make you go to the hospital for testing.)
3) Three hours later (yup, 3 hours for me!) you will be released from the hospital. Everything is fine. (But hey, in that 3 hours you might get to grab a nap! Upside!)
4) Thursday morning (the due date): Go to one of your doctor’s office locations for MORE testing. Just in case. Everything is still fine.
5) Thursday afternoon: Go to your doctor’s second office location for your 40-week check up. Pretend not to be bitter when the doctor says pleasantly, “I’m surprised to see you here!” This doctor will, after all, have been predicting your early delivery for the past five weeks. LIAR! I mean… uh… Polite chuckle.
6) Thursday night: Notice your toddler has unusual spots all over her feet and legs, and spreading to her abdomen.
7) Decide to take your toddler to the ER. Because even though you feel like you will be pregnant forever, you could go into labor anytime now. In fact, now that you have a bum ankle and a child with a mysterious illness, you will almost certainly go into labor very soon. You’d rather take care of your child’s weird skin rash before that happens.
8) Doctors diagnose your child with Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Not serious, but highly contagious. Great timing, Kid! Nothing like contracting a contagious viral infection before a new baby arrives!
9) Late Thursday night: Go into labor.
Ahhh, labor. I’ll save that for another blog post.
In the meantime, trust me that this is not how you want to spend your final pre-baby days. You want to spend them lying on a couch with the biggest tub of ice cream you can find binge-watching a Netflix series of your choice. If you already have a toddler at home, this will be impossible, but you still want to avoid visiting every medical facility in your county as your final acts before labor and delivery. So don’t be an idiot like me. DON’T FALL DOWN. And maybe keep your children quarantined so they don’t get some nasty illness.