How to Torture Your Husband: Part I

Take him baby shopping.  Not shopping for babies – that would be creepy and illegal.  Rather, shopping for baby gear.  No, actually, take him baby gear shopping two hours away from where you live by insisting the superstores like Babies R Us will have a “better selection”.  Yeah, I did that.  But really, I just wanted to go to Pottery Barn Kids and the closest one is in Richmond. What self-respecting man is going to agree to drive two hours just to ogle at cute baby bedding at PBK if not for another, legitimate reason.  Like, “The Babies R Us near us had no good car seats, I swear!  If we want our baby to be safe, we need to go to Richmond where I’m positive they will have a much better selection.  You want our baby to be safe, don’t you?”

Baby stores should produce “oohs” and “ahhs” and “ohmygoshlookhowtinyittis!” from shoppers.  Merchandise that tiny is always precious.  (Exception: pet stores.  The tiny animals sold in pet stores are decidedly not precious).  Enter Babies R Us – somehow one of the most depressing stores you can set foot in.  I’d rather be repeatedly impaled by a long, sharp object than suffer anymore prolonged exposure to Babies R Us.  Oh, and mark my words, your time spent there will prolonged, every moment slowly chipping away at your soul.

Why are there 12,758 strollers?!  And you have to test Every. Single. One.  Wouldn’t want baby to have an inferior stroller without a 17-point harness or wheels intended for an SVU or an attachable play tray! It could be disastrous.  And mustn’t forget the attachable cup holder so mom can tote along her “water” bottle.

And car seats.  Honestly.  Is it impossible for a manufacturer to design a safe, highly-rated car seat that doesn’t make your eyes bleed?  What’s with all the garish colors and patterns?  I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure baby doesn’t care if she’s sitting in a car seat decorated with purple giraffes.  Baby doesn’t care, but I do.  Let’s get some neutrals, people!  My home is already going to look like Barney exploded in it; my car doesn’t need to.

Add to this inexplicably expensive nursery furniture, endless stacks of diapers (Organic? Extra dry? All Natural? Chlorine-Free?), and an incompetent staff, and you have set yourself up for a complete retail-related breakdown.

After two hours – most of that time spent fighting with the below stroller – we left defeated, minds numbed and souls crushed.   In those two hours we bought and registered for nothing.  Not in small part because I realized I had brought an outdated version of Baby Bargains, from which I was basing all my baby-related retail knowledge.  All my prior research was irrelevant.  I had no updated info on recalls! New models! Customer feedback!  We would have to start from scratch.

Damon, struggling in vain to unfold a stroller.

Unfortunately, this shopping day disaster didn’t end there.  To Be Continued at Pottery Barn Kids.


  1. I hope you won’t mind my suggestions, but can’t you just watch some Law and Order, eat some cookies that someone else baked, and buy the stroller when you see one you like? Even if you only ever have one kid, you will most likely have to buy another stroller sometime because you will forget to bring it with you, leave it somewhere or it will become unusable due to some unmentionable baby activity.

    It really doesn’t matter!

  2. Thanks Diana for the reality check. It wasn’t as bad as portrayed but that being said – I love my wife and whatever she wants, she gets.

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *